Fighting Fair in Your Relationships: Using the Gottman Method
Let’s get real. Fights happen in every relationship. Whether it’s with your partner, a family member, a close friend, or a co-worker, disagreements are a part of life. The problem isn’t that we argue - it’s how we argue. Some fights leave us feeling heard and understood, while others leave us exhausted, resentful, or more disconnected than before.
That’s where the Gottman Method comes in. Relationship experts (and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists!) Drs. John and Julie Gottman have spent decades studying what makes relationships last. What they found was that the way we handle conflict can either make or break a relationship. Fortunately, there are ways to argue without destroying your relationship.
So what does healthy communication look like, and how do we ‘Fight Fair’ - Gottman Style?
What Healthy Communication Looks Like
Good communication isn’t just about talking - it’s about listening, understanding, and responding in a way that builds trust instead of tearing it down. Here are a few key things to keep in mind:
Actually listening - in therapy, we call this “Active Listening”. Instead of planning your comeback, focus your attention on what the other person is saying.
Speaking for yourself - use “I” statements instead of blame (e.g., “I felt hurt when you didn’t text back” instead of “You never care about my feelings”).
Managing emotions - therapists will often refer to this as “Emotional Regulation”. If you feel too upset to think straight, take a break before you say something you may regret.
Respecting each other - you don’t have to agree with the other person, but you do have to treat each other with kindness.
I know, I know. In the heat of the moment, these things seem “easier said than done”, right? When emotions run high, it’s easy to fall into our old, toxic patterns. That’s why the Gottman’s identified four major communication issues - what they refer to as the “Four Horsemen of Relationship Doom” (a bit dramatic, I know, but it’s accurate).
The Four Horsemen: How We Mess Up During Conflict
Criticism - attacking the other person or their character instead of the problem. Example, “You’re so selfish” instead of “I need more support”.
Defensiveness - making excuses or flip blame, instead of taking responsibility.
Contempt - mocking, eye-rolling, or being sarcastic (this one is the worst for relationships, according to the Gottman’s).
Stonewalling - shutting down, giving the ‘silent treatment’, or avoiding the conversation entirely.
We’ve all been guilty of at least one of these communication issues at some point in our lives. The trick is recognizing them when they happen, and replacing them with something healthier in the future. And remember, the more we practice the skill, the more second nature it becomes!
How to Fight Fair: Gottman’s Tips for Fighting Fairly
Start Soft Instead of Going on the Attack
If you start a conversation with criticism, it’s pretty much doomed from the start. Instead, try using a “gentle startup”:
Critical Response: “You never listen to me! You don’t even care!”
Gentle Startup: “Hey, I felt unheard earlier when I was trying to talk about my day. Can we talk about it now?”
See the difference? It’s about bringing up the issue(s) without putting the other person on the defensive.
2. Own Your Part Instead of Getting Defensive
No one likes feeling blamed, but getting defensive will only make things worse. Instead of making excuses, try owning some part of the issue.
Defensive Response: “I only snapped because you were being annoying!”
Healthy Response: “Okay, I see how my tone came across as rude. That wasn’t my intention.”
Taking even a little responsibility makes it easier for the other person to do the same.
3. Show Appreciation Instead of Being Mean
Contempt - things like sarcasm, insults, or eye-rolling - is basically relationship poison according to the Gottman’s. Instead of tearing each other down, try building each other up.
Contemptuous Response: “Wow, thanks for helping out. Oh wait, you didn’t.”
Appreciative Response: “I really appreciate when you help with stuff around the house, especially knowing how busy you are. It means a lot to me.”
4. Take a Break Instead of Shutting Down
When a fight gets too intense, stonewalling (aka shutting down) can become some people’s natural response (think: fight vs. flight). Instead of shutting the other person out completely, press pause so you can calm down. Taking a break is hard, but it is not a weakness!
Shut Down Response: Silent treatment, crossed arms, ignoring for long periods of time.
Healthier Response: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and talk in 20 minutes?”
Taking a breather gives both parties time too cool off and come back to the conversation with a clearer, calmer mindset.
Final Thoughts
Fighting fair doesn’t mean avoiding conflict. It means handling disagreements in a way that maintains connection and respect. By replacing Criticism with Gentle Startups, taking Responsibility instead of getting Defensive, expressing Appreciation instead of Contempt, and using self-soothing Strategies instead of Stonewalling, any relationship can navigate conflict in a healthy, constructive way.
If you and your loved one struggle with communication or recurring conflicts, working with a therapist trained in the Gottman Method can provide valuable tools and insights to strengthen your relationship. That’s why it is my favorite modality to use when working with couples (and families).
Remember, healthy communication is a skill that takes practice, but the effort is well worth it for the deeper connection and long-term relationship success!
~Alexis Niemann, LMFT
